The Week in Rants

Evil Park Bench

Have you ever been walking through a park, gotten a bit tired and sat on a park bench? Sure, why not. Well listen up you lazy bum, no more bench-sitting for free, you think benches grow on trees? This is one of the most absurd things I’ve ever seen. Fabian Brunsing, an artist/photographer/designer living in Berlin created this crazy contraption. If you know me, I hate paying for anything so that’s the main reason I don’t like this thing—granted it’s only one euro which is a littler more than a dollar but the video below gives the impression that only gives you a very limited time. Not only does this bench charge you before use but after like thirty seconds it forces you to leave by threatening to sodomize you with metal spikes. I’ll admit that this is the most badass bench I’ve ever seen, but I don’t think I’d ever want to sit on it.

 

 

Least Practical Weapon Ever

I don’t even know what to say. When I read the subject “Rocket Propelled Chainsaw” my first thought was “Awesome!” but after looking at this a little more and thinking about it…what a horrible way to kill zombies. The design is apparently legit enough that you could actually build one but you would have to be picking up your ammo all the time (amidst zombies, remember) and probably have to sling some extra gas over your shoulder for when it runs out. The more I think about it the more a regular chainsaw seems superior. The only place these designs will ever thrive is in a videogame or a movie because it's way too absurd for real life—but goddamn would it be awesome in those places.

For the Alcoholic On the Go

Now if this was intended to be some sort of discrete Camel Back thing for women it would make slightly more sense; but still look incredibly obvious and be a hell of a lot less convenient than just wearing a Camel Back. Why would you want to hide a camel back anyway? Ohh because it doesn’t have water in it it has wine. Yes; this is a sports bra for those women that are sick of carrying around that box of Franzia during their morning jogs. Finally, right? It’s only redeeming feature is it’s name being the Wine Rack and that’s only because I’m a sucker for puns. I still can’t believe it’s actually advertised and suggested as something you drink wine out of. As I said, using it for water would still be stupid but at least slightly more reasonable.

You And Your Johnson

That heading could have gone so many ways but I think that simplicity not only saves you from reading horribly crude puns but also saves me from having to think of one while still laughing over this video. I love ad campaigns that were poorly thought out; I just like to imagine the type of people who approved this commercial being divided into two groups: the completely oblivious and the people thinking to themselves “Holy shit if we can actually get this on TV I will never stop laughing” or something along that sentiment.  Well before I say anything else please watch this family friendly advertisement.

Now. Presumably this commercial is about boats but not only is it a little ambiguous in it’s wording but it NEVER says the word boat; doesn’t even hint at it. It doesn’t even really focus on the boats as much as the people in it and of course, that song is all anybody is going to be able to focus on anyway. But in all seriousness the most surprising part of all was discovering that spending quality time with you and your Johnson has only been a way of life for 50 years (let’s say closer to 70 based on how old this commercial is). I’m sure we’ll see a rise in the amount of time you spend with your Johnson thanks to such colorful suggestions seen here such as: your girl and your Johnson, your mate and your Johnson, the controversial your kids and your Johnson and the ever-popular classic: just you and your Johnson. Ah, good times.

 

I was planning on making this longer but after that last 30 seconds of pure awesome I feel compelled to post this immediately. Thus, I shall divide this into two parts and start working on the second now. So expect the continuation of whatever this is in a couple days after I finish rounding up the funny, obscure and whatever else.

-Ben